Why do I hate myself? An autistic perspective.

A number of my autistic clients come to therapy because they have spent most of their lives desperately trying to fit in...and succeeded!

At a cost.

They may have become quite good at blending in but also lost the sense of who they are.

I have seen people with intense rage towards themselves. They tell me, their lives would have been better if only they weren’t autistic, if only there were somebody else entirely.

It saddens me deeply to listen to life stories of isolation, bullying and neglect.

You may not know how to understand yourself if you have never been understood by others. Making sense of the word is partially an inter-personal process. Reality is confirmed by another person’s validation of our experience.

Therefore if your sensations, thoughts and emotions are continuously invalidated, there is little surprise that you might end up losing your sense of self and worse…

But of course things do not have to stay this way. Believe me. Let’s think about it some more together.

Do you have strong negative feelings towards yourself? Disappointment, maybe even hate?

I wonder whether this may have come from being repeatedly told you are not good enough or weird.

The feeling of inadequacy might have started in childhood and follows you around even now. However, there is a difference.

When you were little you were likely more susceptible to other people’s opinions than you are now and you probably had less control over your life. As an adult you have built up significant life experience and can make your own decisions.

So why do you still carry the shame, the guilt, the belief that something is irreparably wrong with you?

At this point I often encourage my therapy clients to think of their values. What is important to you in life? What kind of person do you want to be? Are you living those qualities? Do you act in line with what you believe is right?

If so, here’s your evidence to rebuff the self-hatred. If not, and your behaviour does not match your moral beliefs, then you can take stock and make a conscious choice to change.

Human beings are complex organic systems, and like everything living, we are in constant flux. So change is not an abstract concept to prepare yourself for, it is already your reality. Take control of that opportunity and bring in the positivity you want.

Where do you start if you want to see yourself differently?

My answer tends to be to pay attention to your internal voice. What tone do you use to speak to yourself, what words? Relating to yourself with patience and kindness as you would to another person you deeply care about can make a big positive difference to your wellbeing and your motivation.

Think of all the times you may have got told off as a child or even as a grown-up. Was that encouraging? Did it inspire you to a different kind of action? I suspect not. Now, how about the times when someone gently encouraged you? I am sure that approach reaped better results. You know this already, so use it to your own benefit.

Another important point to remember is acknowledging your successes no matter how small. Record those preferably in writing somewhere you can see often. Continue to build the body of evidence to effectively counter negative self-view.

And lastly, keep going. Keep looking after yourself. Eventually the question "Why do I hate myself?" will fade into the past because it is no longer a part of your reality.

There is only one you. You deserve to be taken care of. So do it.

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My name is Lii. I am an autistic counsellor, supporting autistic professionals in navigating all aspects of life. Start with strengths and see possibilities, start with struggles and see limitations. Which do you choose?

In-person in Gerrards Cross or online across the UK and the RoI. Book your free 15 mins introductory call.

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Lii Brooke, your autistic therapist