Why do I hate myself? An autistic perspective.

A number of my autistic clients come to therapy because they have spent most of their lives desperately trying to fit in...and succeeded!

At a cost.

You may have become quite good at blending in but also lost the sense of who you are.

When success on paper masks deep self-hatred

You might not say "I hate myself" out loud, definitely not in the first few sessions of therapy. Control is something you value highly and the professional persona offers comfort, it protects. It feels good to be sorted.

You might frame it as "struggling with burnout" or "needing better coping strategies." But when you're alone, when the trying stops, the truth is darker. You catch it in the mirror on the bad days. You scream back at it in exasperation and rage. Your skull slams against the wall and relief bleeds over you. Night mercifully covers the mess and the dull pain brings oblivion. You genuinely despise yourself for being autistic, for struggling when "everyone else manages," for not being enough despite all your achievements. For being left out, the weird one. Childhood memories rush back. The whispering. The loud, sharp words. The aloneness you have now learnt to escape to that once made you cry.

Many of my autistic clients in demanding careers are competent and accomplished in session. Drowning in self-loathing at home. This often stems from years of workplace masking and the exhaustion of performing competence while feeling fundamentally flawed.

Can therapy help with self-hatred you can barely admit exists?

Yes. Working with an autistic therapist means you don't have to maintain the facade or propriety. I understand that high achievement and deep self-hatred can coexist. That you can be excellent at your job while fundamentally believing something is irreparably wrong with you.

You may not know how to understand yourself if you have never been understood by others. Making sense of the world is partially an inter-personal process. Reality is confirmed by another person’s validation of our experience.

Therefore if your sensations, thoughts and emotions are continuously invalidated, there is little surprise that you might end up losing your sense of self and worse…

But of course things do not have to stay this way. Believe me. This is the crux of what therapy gives you: understanding and hope. The rest you are very capable at figuring out yourself.

You don't have to keep pretending all is fine

Many autistic professionals come to therapy saying they need stress management or work-life balance strategies. What they may actually need is space to acknowledge the shattered sense of self beneath the competence and encouragement toward genuine self-acceptance.

/*As an autistic therapist who understands demanding careers, I know the exhaustion of maintaining professional credibility while believing you're fundamentally flawed. Book a free 15-minute call to talk through how I can help.*/

When did the negative feelings towards yourself start?

You probably don't remember. It's just always been the case. I wonder whether the self-loathing may have come from being repeatedly told you are not right in some way, strange for vague reasons beyond your control.

The feeling of inadequacy might have started in childhood and follows you around even now. Rejection hurts just as bad. However, there is a difference.

When you were little you were likely more susceptible to other people’s opinions than you are now and you probably had less control over your life. As an adult you have built up significant life experience and can make your own decisions.

So why do you still carry the shame, the guilt, the belief that something is irreparably wrong with you?

At this point I often encourage my therapy clients to think of their values. What is important to you in life? What kind of person do you want to be? Are you living those qualities? Do you act in line with what you believe is right?

If so, here’s your evidence to rebuff the self-hatred. If not, and your behaviour does not match your moral beliefs, then you can take stock and make a conscious choice to change.

Human beings are complex organic systems, and like everything living, we are in constant flux. So change is not an abstract concept to prepare yourself for, it is already your reality. Take control of that opportunity and bring in the positivity you want.

What can you do if you want to see yourself differently?

My answer tends to be to pay attention to your internal voice. What tone do you use to speak to yourself, what words? Relating to yourself with patience and kindness as you would to another person you deeply care about can make a big positive difference to your wellbeing and your motivation.

Think of all the times you may have got told off as a child or even as a grown-up. Was that encouraging? Did it inspire you to a different kind of action? I suspect not. Now, how about the times when someone gently encouraged you? I am sure that approach reaped better results. You know this already, so use it to your own benefit.

Another important point to remember is acknowledging your successes no matter how small. Record those preferably in writing somewhere you can see often. Continue to build the body of evidence to effectively counter negative self-view.

And lastly, keep going. Keep looking after yourself. Eventually the question "Why do I hate myself?" will fade into the past because it is no longer a part of your reality.

There is only one you. You deserve to be taken care of. So do it.

/* You don't have to wait until you're in crisis. Your sense-of self is key to wellbeing. Repair that and most of the other stuff falls into place.

Book your free 15-minute call to explore whether we're a good fit.

I am an autistic counsellor, data analyst and postgrad researcher, helping autistic professionals to manage burnout, reduce masking and negotiate positive relationships. Autism and success are absolutely possible: define your acceptance criteria and go for it.*/

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Lii Brooke, your autistic therapist