Christmas disaster and other horrors: how to get through social events as an autistic person

Does the pressure to participate in social occasions really get to you?

The organising for Christmas, for example, seems to take months and that’s months of awkwardness and anxiety around that subject. Do you wish you could simply not go? That would make it easier for everyone, right? But your family doesn’t agree and so you are left to comply with their expectations. Whether they understand autism or not, some things apparently are above it. 

Not everyone celebrates Christmas, of course. There may be other religious or secular festivities at different times of year that you find exhausting. Now, I have rushed in here, assuming you find large-scale celebrations boring and draining. You might not. You might love the sensory excitement that they bring. We are all wonderfully different. If however the thought of visitors in your home, obligatory dinners and present-giving with all its excess makes you wish you could sleep through it, I am with you.

You might feel like the celebration is “happening to you” and there is no choice but to tough it out, which can end in spectacular meltdowns you would rather avoid. Or you might withdraw compleltely into a shutdown. Here is my personal list of tips, I hope you find it useful:

• Be aware of what you enjoy and what drains your resources

• Take control of your experience by planning in advance and negotiating with significant others to find a compromise

• Communicate why you might wish to participate on your terms

• Create a space to retreat to and allow yourself breaks to self-regulate

It also helps to be in a positive place mentally. Adversity is easier to manage when your general wellbeing is good.

How to look after your mental health all year round

I have come to realise that wellbeing starts with accepting yourself as you are and looking after yourself to the best of your ability. It is then that you will likely have the balance and strength in your life to extend your best to others.

What does accepting yourself mean? I would say it is being honest with who you are right now and what your past is. Now, I completely understand you may not like everything about yourself. There may quite understandably be some aspects you may wish to change. For example, I am very impatient with my children. This is something I want to work on. However, I would not have the chance to improve if I don’t first accept the fact that I am impatient.

Equally, I am quite sure there are lots of aspects of your character you may like very much and rightly so! High self-esteem is an important component of mental wellbeing.

The renowned psychologist, Abraham Maslow (1943), defined several groups of universal human needs, known as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Those groups could be broadly classified as:

• Physiological safety & security

• Belonging

• Self-esteem

• Self-actualisation

I find it is particularly pertinent now because it proposes a holistic understanding of wellbeing. Specifically, that one must look after their body so as to look after their spirit. Of course, we have all likely heard the folk wisdom of “healthy body, healthy mind”. In my experience as a counsellor, supporting autistic adults, I have observed that my clients can easily forgo their physiological needs and this contributes to emotional distress.

What you can do now to help yourself get through social events as an autistic person

I would suggest that on an ongoing basis you look after yourself by making sure you attend to your rest, your nutrition, exercise, solitude and social connection*.

Rest

• Are you taking sufficient breaks during the day?

• Is your night-time sleep of good quality?

Nutrition

• Is your food intake balanced and sufficient?

• Are you getting the nutrients your body needs? In the dark months it is especially worthwhile considering a vitamin D supplement. If you are feeling lethargic, how are your iron levels?

Exercise

• Do you exercise regularly?

• Do you enjoy exercising? If not, consider finding the right activity for you.

Solitude

• If you find time by yourself restorative, do you have enough of it?

Social connection*

• Is there a person or a group of people you feel emotionally supported by and feel a sense of belonging with?

• Consider ways you could feel comfortable interacting with others.

*in the way that is right for you

Remember to be gentle with yourself, especially if you are going through a tough time. Notice the tone of your internal voice. Speak to yourself as you would to your best friend.

One more thing that I would like to share with you is the importance of small acts of kindness first to yourself, then to others. Can you think of something small and genuinely nice you could offer yourself every day over the next week? It could be an hour in peace with a book, a cup of loose-leaf tea, a jazz track at dusk, a run in a place that makes you happy…Plan an act of kindness for each day of the week and notice what it brings

Some practical ideas for the colder months

• Enjoy the outdoors when the weather allows

• Consider investing in a daylight lamp

• Keep your home warm

• If you like taking baths or showers, perhaps explore using a few drops of essential oil to lift your mood. It's not just "for the girls"!

• It may be worth adding nutritional supplements from reputable sources to your diet If going out to exercise is unappealing, try a routine online

• Keep up the positive social interaction

I hope this has been a reassuring read and has given you some ideas on how to deal with social events as an autistic person.

Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396. https:// https://doi.org/10.1037/h0054346

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My name is Lii. I am an autistic counsellor, supporting autistic men in tech and academia with navigating all aspects of life. Start with strengths and see possibilities, start with struggles and see limitations. Which do you choose?

In-person in Gerrards Cross or online across the UK and the RoI. Book your free 15 mins introductory call.

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