Your therapist's thoughts on being an autistic mum

This is a tender topic for me. It is deeply personal and one that raises big, painful questions. So I will keep it brief.

I am writing this because I suspect there are other autistic women dealing with very similar experiences, thinking it is just them.

Is it hard to be an autistic mum?

Being a parent, and especially a mother, is difficult for most from what I have seen both as an individual and as a counsellor. There are people to whom parenthood comes easier because they enjoy the process and derive a great sense of meaning from raising children. If you are not that person, please know you are not alone. There is a lot to be said on the societal role women have historically fulfilled in being primary carers for both the young and the elderly. In my own opinion the gender roles have less to do with the human biology and more with the distribution of power. Perhaps for the reasons of maintaing patriarchal social structure, questioning the view of women as first and foremost childbearers is often met with violent opposition. Being autistic does not in itself mean you would struggle with motherhood, not at all. It depends on what drives you in life. If you are family-oriented and genuinely enjoy home-making, becoming a mum might bring great joy. If on the other hand, you are fascinated by and deeply absorbed in academic or professional activities, you may find the massive demand of parenthood on all your resources very painful. Additionally, carrying a child, giving birth and looking after them on a constant basis during the early years can be extremely physically hard. It most certainly changes your body irreversibly. Also, sensory overstimulation is almost a given in the company of little children.

What can you do about struggling as an autistic mum?

Good news--most children become more independent, eventually. As they grow, you will get some of your time and energy back. This may not sound like a great consololation when you are well into decades of looking after successive little humans with many more years to go. As they grow older, so do you...What will be left of you after all these days of desperately surviving? Finding motherhood difficult is not a topic widely spoken about still. However, it is becoming more present across the arts and social media. Two books that I have personally found beautifully resonant are:

• Regretting Motherhood by Dr Orna Donath

• The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante
  

I hope this is useful. Please look after yourself. If you would like to make sense of your experience as a mum with an autistic therapist, who understands, please reach out. I would be delighter to hear from you.

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